My mom and her daughter-in-law

First thing first, since my elder cousin brother has got engaged a few months back, I have become the ‘torch bearer’, the ‘most eligible bachelor’ of my extended family. This has recently sprung up a lot of discussions about my to-be-wife, and surprisingly I have participated in them sportingly, asserting my own views and choices.

Now a few words about the leading lady of this post; no, it’s not my to-be-wife but her mother-in-law i.e. my mom. Indian moms of our generation, i.e. the ladies born in 1950s and 1960s have a few unique characteristics acquired by them being a part of both the worlds, the old India and the Westernized India. They are a perfect blend of traditional, culture driven, religious housewives and educated, widely travelled, open-minded liberated women. They are, in true sense, the ‘Super-Moms’. With host of benefits attached to such a persona, one is of particular interest to me as far as my mom is concerned: She is a great cook. Like all my friends, I also most definitely believe that my mom is the best cook. There’s hardly any delicacy which I have eaten elsewhere that my mom cannot prepare at home. Even if she doesn’t know the recipe, she would somehow find it out. Being a modern housewife, she has got the time and the interest to watch cookery shows and attend kitty parties to shell out a new dish every now and then.

Though my physical buildup doesn’t suggest it, I consider myself a connoisseur of food. And I am already skeptical about my to-be-wife’s culinary abilities. This brings me back to lady no. 2 of this discussion, i.e. my mom’s to-be-daughter-in-law. Recently, while enjoying one of my favorite homemade snacks, called ‘dhope ke vade’ (I’m sure nobody has even heard of it) at home, me and my mom had this interesting conversation-

Me: Maa, this thing is just superb. I think I am having this after a long long time.

Mom: Ya, these dhope leaves are hard to find in the market these days.

Me: Thanks Maa. It’s amazing how you make all these efforts to serve me my favorite dishes.

Mom: Hmm. But it’s highly unlikely that that your wife will know this recipe.

She has said this for many dishes hundreds of times, but this was the first time I realized the gravity of the issue. A simple thought of extinction of these dishes in my married life sent a chill down my spine. But after a short pause, the dialogue continued-

Mom: But don’t worry. Cooking skills will be my top priority when I go hunting a bride for you. At least in your case, it will be more important than her educational qualifications.

Me: (with a sigh of relief) Actually Maa, you can go about this way; whenever you go for bride hunting, carry a list of my favorite dishes and ask the protagonist how many of them she can cook.

Mom: (smiling with agreement) That can be a great idea.

Me: And the applicant below 90% score would be ruled out for further consideration (I chuckled).

Mom: (revealing a harsh truth) That’s a utopian thought beta; you are expecting too much off her. With the girls of this generation, you’d be lucky if she could even serve you simple four meals a day.

With those admonitions, I am already worried if some of my taste buds will turn into vestigial organs after marriage.

Incredible Lies

This story is one of the folklore that I’ve heard dozens of times from the oldies in my family. The lore is originally called ‘Safed Jhooth’ in Hindi and is a sequence of highly ‘disproportionate’ and implausible events. Though Safed Jhooth was setup in a bygone era, I’ve tried to modernize it. Read on.

Once upon a time, in the province of Dylanabad (yea, they were all Dylan fans), lived two of the most ferocious wrestlers of the world. Wrestler Of the East (aka Woe) lived on the western hill and Wrestler Of the West (aka Wow) lived on the eastern hill. The mismatch in their names and the position of their hills is another legend which is beyond the scope of this story.

One fine day, Woe was coming back from the city departmental store. He was pulling a hundred carts, attached to one another, all filled with groceries, vegetables and his wife’s cosmetics. Suddenly, while climbing up the hill, he found it immensely difficult to pull the carts further. So he stopped and went from cart to cart checking the wheels if something had stuck on it. On the hundredth cart, he found Wow sitting idle on the grocery listening to his Ipod. Watching this, Woe shouted, “Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my cart? You have interrupted my journey and if I’ll be late for home, my wife is going to kill me.” Hearing this, Wow replied, “Sorry for the inconvenience dear, but don’t you remember me? I am Wow, your greatest opponent. We have fought 99 wrestling matches before, all ending in ties. I have come today for the hundredth one and to win the coveted championship. Are you ready for it?” Seemingly recalling the last fight, Woe said, “Oh yes. Sorry friend, but the body building supplements available these days are have lot of side effects. They surely pump up the body, but enervate the mind. None the less, I am becoming listless doing the daily chores at home and want to get back to wrestling. Though I am feeling a little weary, I appreciate your gesture of coming all the way to see me. Let’s have that wrestling match right now.” “Ok”, said Wow. “But we have a small problem here. We’ll have to find someone to judge the winner.”

Fortunately, they saw an old women passing by, going down the hill. Woe identified her as the one who lives downtown and goes uphill daily for an evening walk. They asked her to be the judge to which she said, “I don’t mind judging your match but I have left my young son at home. You see, since they started airing Roadies on MTV, he has got this habit of running around girls in the evening and swearing at our neighbors. So I got to be home before dawn. We can do one thing though; if you guys don’t mind, I can carry you both on my palm and watch your match on my way. Is that ok?” They both agreed and climbed on her palm for the fight.

A few miles away from the hag’s house, his son, who was grazing camels in a field, saw her coming with the two wrestlers. He thought, “Oh darn! May be she has seen me applying for the Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar yesterday and is bringing these wrestlers to beat me up. I should better run away and save my life.” He hurriedly packed up all the camels in a luggage bag, put it on his head and started running away. While he was on his way, a vulture flying high in the sky saw him running with a bag. “There may be something in it for me”, the vulture thought. He quickly descended down, grabbed the bag and snatched it away. Another few miles into the sky, the vulture realized that the bag it zipped and he doesn’t know how to unzip. Perplexed, he thought of asking his friend for help and reached out for his mobile phone. But unfortunately, the bag fell from his claws into the palace of Dylanabad’s king.

In the palace, while the queen was having her dinner, this bag fell into her pudding and went in her mouth in a bite. Munching the pudding, she heard screams of camels inside her mouth. Terrified with the sound, she threw up on the floor. While cleaning the mess, her housemaid found this zipped bag and thought that since it has come out from Her Highness’s mouth, it may be something precious. So she plugged the bag in her ear and waited for her shift to be over.

In the evening, when she reached her home, she took out the bag and showed it to her husband excitedly. Disappointed with her act, he said, “Look dear, you don’t have to resort to stealing such stuffs. How many times have I told you not to steal petty things? You must learn to embezzle bigger things, jewelry, credit cards, electronic gadgets, etc. Even mobile phones are not worth the efforts these days. Anyhow, since you have already brought it, let us open it and have a look.” As she unzipped the bag, dozens of camels burst out into their house and started smashing everything around. One kicked the TV, another tumbled the fridge and another started paying with the AC remote control. In a few moments, the house looked like a riot hit place. Looking at the mess, the husband said, “Oh shit, we don’t even have riot protection clause in our home insurance. We are screwed. This is all because of your stupid bag. You women are good for nothing.” Hearing this, the maid started crying. The man went on scolding and she went on weeping. Within a few hours, her tears flooded the whole city and everybody drowned eventually.

Looking at the city from the sky, the vulture said to himself, “What a stupid story”.