Story of ‘Spoon’

Another nonsense story. Leave your IQ aside and read on…

One fine day, Kumma woke up to an unfamiliar voice. As he stepped out to check, he saw a transparent angelic creature, strangely draped in too many clothes, running away. It left no footmarks but dropped something with dangling sound. It was metallic, with a small oval end and a long stick attached to it.

Kumma was a prehistoric man living in Kuku tribe in Africa. Kukus were sure of one thing: everything in the world is either created by their ancestors or God. And God had ways of gifting them new things, He always sends such angels to deliver them. So just like earlier gifts, this too must be special.

It was still pitch dark outside, so Kumma went back to sleep. And as expected, God appeared in his dreams to tell something important: This new article is titled ‘Spoon’, has five uses, and it was Kumma’s assignment to figure all of them out.

Kumma woke up with a puzzled mind and a heart laden with responsibility. “Five uses! This must be God’s greatest creation”, Kumma felt special. He went straight to the Head Of the Tribe (HOT) who, though a little scared of the Spoon, performed the mandatory rituals. Now Kumma must get down to the task immediately. And until he’s done, nobody else should touch the Spoon.

The first use came instantly. As he was looking it from all sides, flipping up and down, front and back, he suddenly saw a reflecting figure. He held it upright, looked closely on the concave side of the oval. He could figure out that he’s watching himself, though inverted. “Voila! That’s one down. Now we don’t need a pitcher or go to the pond to look at ourselves”, he was excited. He turned it upside down expecting to see his face correctly, but alas! It wasn’t so. The Spoon had magical powers.

He hung the Spoon from the roof so that he has his eyes on it at all times. Passing it by one day, Kumma carelessly glanced at the oval from the convex side. “Dear God, what a fool I’ve been. The second use was just a flip away but I was so ignorant. Now I know that the Spoon can be used to see myself straight and inverted”, Kumma told himself. “I must carry it always if I have to find the other three uses”, he agreed.

One day he took it to lunch expecting some new discovery. Kukus used the darker side of their fingers to lift food and put into mouth. “Can’t the Spoon work as my fingers?” he quizzed himself. And with just a little difficulty, he was able to load the food on the convex side and push it into mouth using the handle. “Great, that must be the third use. Just two more to go.”

A few more days went by with no more discoveries. Kumma was getting restless. He went to the HOT asking for guidance who condescendingly called on the spirits for intervention. After the rituals, he asked Kumma to keep his doors open in the night and the angels will come to his remedy. The same night Kumma was awaken by a startling noise. He opened his eyes to find a wild cat standing on his belly. He quickly moved his hand searching for a weapon and shoved the first thing he got his hand on into the cat’s neck. The cat died, bleeding on the floor, with the Spoon piercing her neck. “The fourth use: a killer weapon. This was a tough one”, Kumma felt relieved.

Days-weeks-years-centuries went by but nobody could find the fifth use of the Spoon until someone found out that it can be used to drink from the concave side. Though we only know the fifth, the legend of four uses discovered by Kumma lives on.

"क्या लगती हो "

(एकदम original है, और फ़ोकट में पढने मिल रही है.... इसलिए पसंद आये या ना आये, दाद ज़रूर दीजियेगा :) )

पलकें उठें तो दिन, जुल्फें गिरे तो बारिश,

News channel पे मौसम की जानकारी का program लगती हो |

Party पे बाहर जाने के लिए जब बन-संवर के आती हो,

तो December के महीने में Gateway of India की शाम लगती हो |

Office से थक के घर आने पर जब प्यार से "ए जी" कहके बुलाती हो,

शाहरुख़ की film की mantinee show ticket का इंतज़ाम लगती हो |

गुस्से में तंतानाये हुए बड़ी-बड़ी आँखें दिखाती हो,

तो IIT-JEE में Mathematics का exam लगती हो |

मेरी आदतों से तंग आकर जब छोड़ जाने की धमकी देती हो,

तो निर्दोष मुजरिम पर लगाया हुआ झूठा इल्ज़ाम लगती हो |

आधी रात को जब अँधेरे में romantic गाने सुनाती हो,

तो विविध भारती पर चित्रमाला का program लगती हो |

और जब सामने बैठे घंटों मीठी-मीठी बातें करती हो,

तब क्या कहें, बस दिवाली पर दस-हज़ार लड़ी वाला bomb लगती हो ||

Friends Forever

I would start with a few candid confessions about the IMT farewell on 3^rd March 2010. On the lustrous night, I was feeling sad on multiple accounts. Firstly, I was sorry to myself for not having a girlfriend to dance with. Secondly, the grief was accentuated by watching a bunch of single girls dancing within themselves without eve noticing us hopefuls. Thirdly, I felt sad for my inconsequential abstinence from hard drinks which could have otherwise helped in subsiding the pain. However, friends come handy particularly in such moments of pain and you realize that the sadistic pleasure that you derive out of watching the equally hapless faces is otherwise impossible. And you appreciate that boy-friends are equally good dance partners and can amuse you in multiple other ways (though not exactly the way a girlfriend can). So we danced, and danced like crazy, since nobody was watching our footloose. And I must confess, that all the feelings of sadness and remorse of distantness from the fairer sex fainted as the night progressed.

Though, a new set of even more excruciating thoughts began to sting the bodily organs; the truth that this party would be the last of its kind, not only for this year or for the MBA but for our whole goddamn life remaining on this planet. We will have many more separate fun filled parties in life, no doubt, maybe with even more grandeur and fanfare. But the joy and comfort, of being surrounded by a crowd feeling the same clumsy vicious pang in their hearts, would be missing. The sense of belongingness, almost palpable, as if you can easily wade through your home with closed eyes, would be missing.

The scene in 3 Idiots where Farhan Qureshi’s father says “Mera beta engineer banega” the moment he is born shows a toned down version of the celestial expectation most of the parents have from their kids. They decide the destination all right, but leave us upon a merciless path to achieve glory. And they push us in a world of annoying competition where men kill men for survival and sometimes even for pleasure. But as we sail through, we drop anchors and cast webs like a Spiderman. And we entangle a few beautiful creatures in these webs creating bonds much stronger than nuclear bonds. This creature, which we call friend, does strange things. He mocks you in front of girls, kicks you hardest on your birthdays, tries to kill you with worst PJs, takes your embarrassing pictures and upload them on the net, encourages you to get an ugly haircut, never wants you to study hard, takes money from you and donates to charity, make you do all the assignments for him and links you up with the ugliest girl in the class.

But this same creature does even more strange things sometimes. He likes your bogus status messages on facebook, sends you lewd messages when you’re feeling bored, invites you to surprise birthday treats, writes exaggeratedly wonderful testimonial for your orkut account, introduces you to his girlfriend’s friends, faces questions thrown at you during class presentations, answers your quiz questions when his own time is running out, brings you medicine even when you don’t tell him you’re really sick and stands by you when you’re worried about placements. He is like a firefighter who enters your burning house when everyone else is running out.

These webs that we cast upon transcend the three spatial dimensions, almost telepathic. It has an enemy though, the fourth dimension i.e. time. Time weakens the bonds, and a decade ago only the strongest could stand the test of time. But cheers to communication technologies, the tests have become simpler and easy to pass. All we need are a couple of active accounts on social networking websites, a permanent mobile number and the best intentions to keep these bonds intact.

To some sophisticated individuals, the aforesaid thoughts would seem too bland for its dragging content. But a Michael Collins can never tell how Neil and Buzz would have felt stepping on the moon. And as long as these thoughts resonate even with a few fellow beings and bring smiles on their faces, I am happy to call them friends forever.

Downside Up

Today morning, as I stepped out of my room, I saw a guy walking upside down, hanging from the ceiling. Rubbing my eyes in disbelief I was unsure if it’s a dream or for real. I turned back and picked up the newspaper lying on the floor. There was a similar picture of people walking upside down along with an article titled ‘Gravity loses ground’. I quickly ran through it to find that some German scientists have proved earth’s gravity to be a farce. They proclaim that every object has a tendency to rest on a surface, and for most part it just chooses a surface below it rather than above it. The scientist said, “It comes as a-matter-of-fact if you look closely without preconceived theories. Why do the branches of a tree grow upward rather than bending down? Why do lizards choose to hang upside down from our ceilings while birds perch up-straight on trees? That’s because plants and animals haven’t heard about earth’s gravity while we unfortunate humans have, thanks to Galileo and Newton. Humans believe in it so superstitiously that even if we tried to walk on the ceiling, we have to fall down to confirm to this blindly held farce.” The article further talked about a debate over global acceptance of this new theory and its effect on habitats of birds, monkeys and lizards.

Before testing it myself, I decided to move around just to make sure. In the washroom, a guy was using the wash basin with the tap turned up and water reaching up to his face two feet above. I was not sure that if I pissed, will it go into the sink or the sink will throw it back on me; so I simply avoided the morning chores for the time being. My neighbor had already shifted his bed to the ceiling and was hanging with his hands resting from the ceiling. I couldn’t say if he was standing downside up or was practicing Yoga upside down. Whatever it was, it all seemed so creepy.

Without crinkling my brain further, I went to attend classes as scheduled. But the scene inside the classroom was too much alleviating. Till yesterday, students had the choice of sitting in the front or the back. But now they had four options, front or back on floor or ceiling. To avoid challenging my already constipated bowels, I chose to sit upright as usual. And I also decided to put my chair on side wall from tomorrow onwards just to be unconventional while have fun with this new opportunity.

During the lecture, the marketing professor drifted away from the topic and talked about the possible implications of this new anti-gravitational theory on marketing. According to him, it will be a boom for retail industry since they will now have both floor and ceiling area to doubles their shelf space. But it will be a bane for realty and construction since people will opt for smaller houses with adaptation of natural bunker beds facing each other. However, all this will be short lived since land and property prices will also double in due time.

Other than these, I saw one clear and immediate advantage for us. Now we can put tables on the ceiling in our mess to avoid overcrowding. Also, the future generations will be rescued from studying Newton’s laws of gravitation. It also removed one of the greatest fears of humans – “Will the lizard on the ceiling fall on my head due to gravity?” – now we know it won’t unless it specifically chooses to. Hitting a six in cricket will be a lot easier while hitting down the ball will be difficult in volleyball. Also, gymnastics will not be so awe-inspiring any more. Spiderman will no longer be a hero and terrorists will threaten to destroy the moon with a hijacked plane.

As a student of marketing, I thought of making the best of this opportunity and come up with an innovative product to cater to the anti-gravitational aspirations of hitherto grounded humans. But marketing is not about creating new stuffs, which must be left to scientists and researchers. We marketers only create the perception of a great desire, for an absolutely crap and useless product, in the minds of the consumers. So I pondered upon ideas to resell an existing product with a new name. “How about a Wall-resting TV to replace a Wall-mounted TV?” I asked myself. “Sounds great. But why is my alarm clock ringing on the middle of the day. Darn, it must be morning and I must be dreaming all along.”

December the Fourteenth, Two Thousand and Nine

It was 5 minutes past midnight in IMT when 400 odd souls crowded the entrance lobby of the academic block, an unusual scene given the extremely low occupancy rates of classes during day time in this trimester. But for 50 of them, including me, it was to become the most memorable night of their careers. The date was 14th Dec, 2009 (actually 15th since the date had changed midnight), the Day 0 Slot 1 of Placements 2009-10 at Institute of Management Technology, Ghaziabad.

The day had begun with high degree of uncertainty and nervousness for our batch (barring those who already got placed in envelope companies or got PPOs). 12 companies were expected to visit the campus which promised lots of action in GDs, shuttling between one process and another, the rhetoric announcements of GD lists, the much awaited interview calls and the lucky few to get the final offers towards the end. My strong CV made sure that I make an appearance for almost all the companies wherever I had applied. Let me give you a firsthand account of my day, except that I’d refrain naming the companies barring mine, for obvious reasons.

I woke up at 6:30 am and got ready, except for the bath, for a PPT scheduled at 7:30 am. As expected, the recruitment team of Puppy Poopy (PP) arrived only 110 mins late. Soon after, I was in a GD room discussing who should be the celebrity endorser for PP. I made only 1 entry with 2 words, while the group, loaded with the local celebrities of IMT, took every possible name from bollywood and cricket.

After waiting for half an hour in the auditorium, my name was re-announced for another GD. I don’t know what business interests Bawander Ltd has in Naxal hit areas, but they asked us to discuss the Naxal problem which we did quite comfortably. Soon PP and Bawander gave out the interview shortlists and I was through in both of them. “2 on 2”- I’d have liked to add it on my CV.

The next in line was Aavjo Insulting Ltd where we argued over a product launch. My lack of interest in marketing strategies was clearly discernable from my lame suggestions. Next up was Hip’s GD on ‘Rakhi ka Swayamwar vs Roadies: Which is a better business proposition?’ Again my apathy of reality TV shows let me go unspoken in the fish market. The last one was Polar Bear Ltd on the topic ‘Is ethics a business pretence?’ Before losing hope, I tried to introduce the topic twice but to not heeding from the group.

Soon I was rushed to MDP block for Infosys’ interview (where I was directly shortlisted based on my CV). To cut it short, I think it was one of the best interviews of my life and I spoke for 97% of the interview duration.

My last GD was for Baba Motors on ‘India’s stand at Copenhagen’. As expected, most of the discussion was incomprehensible since at least 3 people were talking at any given point of time. Later, they shortlisted only 6 for the interviews out of 60 who appeared for GDs. Obviously I stood no chance among the biggies.

So by now I was left with 2 more interviews to end the day. PP’s interview panel informed me that my 2 words in the GD made them classify me as an ‘unconventional thinker’. But probably they soon realized that my unconventional thinking does not go beyond those 2 words. Bawander’s interview was rather unconventional since they were standing (they were too tired to sit) and me sitting for the 4 mins long interview. I was last on their list, and probably they had already made the choice and I was just a liability to finish.

I had attended 6 GDs and 3 interviews in 7 hours. But for the next 7 hours, we had only one thing to do: wait for the results until all the processes are over and final lists are ready. Having given our best (and worst in some cases), anxiety was rampant in the air. At 11 pm, everybody assembled near the control desk at entrance lobby. We made futile efforts of easing out tension by making noise and singing motivational songs. The results of multiple offers had already leaked out, so I was sure I had not got more than one. After an hour, our placement coordinator arrived and began disclosing the results beginning with the PPOs. On each name announced, the crowd roared and applauded and hugged the lucky one. Mine was 54th of the 99 names announced that night.

King in the Pack

Since the success of Five Point Someone, a number of books about campus life (now termed as campus novels) have been written. Books like Above Average, Everything You Desire, Keep Off the Grass etc portray the curious and bizarre experiences in premier institutes of our country, mostly IITs and IIMs. Recently, I read one such book recently called Jocker in the Pack: An Irreverent View of Life at IIMs by two IIM alumni. Almost like a documentary, the book chronicles stories about ragging, placements, summers, events, friends and girls at IIMB. To my surprise, I found striking similarities between the life at IMT and IIMB as described in the book. Being a part of two tier-2 institutes, NITW and IMT, I always wonder that apart from placements, is there anything worthwhile which differentiates IITs and IIMs (which I call tier-1 institutes) and the other premier institutes (i.e. tier-2s).

Let us take tier-2 engineering colleges which include NITs and a handful of top state engineering colleges. Almost everyone who joins them has appeared for IIT-JEE and majority of them clear the JEE screening phase. But minor mistakes like one wrong differentiation, one incomplete force diagram, one forgotten chemical formula, or worse, one spelling mistake in the JEE Mains cost them admissions to the mighty IITs, and they land up into one of these tier-2s, definitely unjustifiable to the copious amount of talent they possess.

Similar is the case with MBA aspirants. Nobody dreams of joining NITIE, MDI, SIBM and IMT etc after preparing hard for what is termed as one of the toughest entrance exams in the world. But one calculation mistake in quants, one wasted minute in drinking water during exam, or worse, an option (b) wrongly marked as (c) shatters their dreams of entering into IIMs.

Thus most of the students of tier-2 institutes reach there not by choice but as a compromise, though still happy to end up in one of the best institutes if not the best ones. And there’s no denying the fact that they stand shoulder to shoulder, even a notch above, their tier-1 counterparts in the corporate world. In NITW, I and my friend used to crib a lot about pathetic state of affairs in our institute and the discussions would always end with “That is why NITs can never be IITs”. Surprisingly, even at IMT, almost like a déjà vu, we crib on similar issues and say “That is why IMT can never match IIMs”.

I just hope that our tier-1 counterparts, all pumped up with excessive pride, realize that their institute is not worth the exclusive glory it commands in an average Indian’s mind. After all, if they are the Aces, we are no less than the Kings in the pack who are at least a cut above the remaining twelve cards. And I wonder if someone from IMT will ever write a book about the ecstasies, doldrums and idiosyncrasies of life at IMT.

Isn’t Charity Selfish?

The Joy-of-Giving Week started on Sep 27 culminated yesterday with lot of support from NGOs, press, media, corporate, institutes and celebrities. It is being termed as the biggest national philanthropic drive ever. NGOs organized clothes collection drive for poor, 5 star hotels organized buffets for charity, colleges organized cultural fests and awareness campaigns etc. The total sum collected through these initiatives is not yet calculated but we just hope that all of it reaches the deserving people.

Let us get to the topic of this discussion: ‘Why charity?’ Charity, according to dictionary, is an act of liberality to or provision for those in need or distress; or in simple terms: alms-giving. Thus charity and philanthropy have always been considered as selfless deeds, concerned more about the receiver rather than the giver. But I believe that though the end benefit to the receiver is more recognizable and pertinent from societal point of view, the selfish motive holds dear to the giver more than anything else. Following few examples establish my hypothesis.

Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the largest philanthropic organization in the world, aims to enhance healthcare, reduce extreme poverty and expand educational opportunities and access to information technology. It has donated heavily for the cause of HIV research, vaccination and immunization programs, agricultural development in African countries, various disaster relief funds, hygiene and sanitation, scholarships in US universities etc. But BMGF has been criticized for its hidden motives to reap profits for Microsoft by investing (i.e. donating) only in those countries where it wants to expand its business. It is seen as a way to appease governments and citizens of these countries. Also, it has promoted the cause of education only in USA which is its biggest market, and not in under developed nations that actually lack in educational infrastructure.

Reliance and GE, on the other hand, are organizations that do not believe in much of outright charity. In a recent event, Jeff Immelt and Mukesh Ambani agreed in unison that providing rightful income opportunity to each and every individual is the most effective form of charity. It creates a win-win for the individual as well as the organization and increases the overall productivity of the society.

There are multiple examples of organizations worldwide that have done philanthropy and reaped indirect benefits. In fact, CSR is now taught in B-schools not merely as giving-back-to-society but as a strategic brand building activity. Thus it can be reasonably accepted that any profit organization has some tangible selfish motive while they take up CSR.

Charity by individuals, on the other hand, can have both emotional and tangible benefits. People do all sorts of charities to reap tangible benefits like publicity, recognition, fame, image building, media attention, alibi for unlawful activities etc. The emotional ones, however, are a bit more complex and rest mostly in our subconscious. Some may want to purge off their sins by helping the poor, while to others it gives self satisfaction, improves self confidence etc.

Recently, one of my friends asked me my motivation behind joining Teach India. Though the reasons are multiple and have even changed during the past two months, I found it worth giving a thought to this question. I like to consider myself as a selfish person and hence dispassionate about unproductive charities. My initial intention to join TI was simple: I was getting bored with my life and had too much of free time. One day during summer, I watched 3 movies consecutively but forgot the name of 2 of them the very next day. I said to myself, “What the hell! I got to do something more productive and worthwhile.” TI ads were appearing on TOI those days and so I enrolled.

But later, as the free time become sparse and I got busy with studies, I still enjoyed those 5-6 hours per week of teaching. And the new motive, as I figured out, was the feeling of ‘pride’ and ‘contentedness’ which came from the realization that I have the potential to distribute knowledge, which in actuality is not true. Though these terms sound presumptuous and condescending, they are not. We always prefer to choose things, maybe subconsciously, which give us pleasure and happiness one way or the other. And to me, this feeling of contentedness by teaching children gives me happiness and self-assurance.

This brings me to NGOs, which most people would contend, are truly selfless. They bring together a bunch of like minded people and give them a platform to perform philanthropic activities. But isn’t an NGO run by people who may have individual selfish motives behind their actions? Aren’t NGOs just means for these people to realize these motives?

After reading this discourse, a believer of selflessness would think of me as a paranoid with limited knowledge and viewpoint. But these are my personal views and I would graciously accept contrary views. In fact, after saying all this, I must accept that I have seen a few true philanthropists and have been unable to figure out any selfish motives behind their charitable actions.

In the end, whether its an act of selfishness or selflessness, the society should not be concerned with the motive. We must only ensure that the alms reach the neediest ones. After all, everyone deserves his rightful share of God’s grace and the philanthropist could only be a chosen delivery-man to deliver the gift.